Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Lava Lamp of Death

My buddy John pointed me towards a horrific story about a man KILLED by a lava lamp in our area. Reading the article brought back memories of a lava lamp incident of my very own from a few years back. I had no idea how close to DEATH I came...

I once owned a lava lamp. The lava lamp was pretty. However, it had a gap of air at the top that always bugged me. So, curious fellow that I am, I began to do some research online. I found several sites that described what was in a lava lamp. Of course, they were all different. For the most part, it was wax suspended in liquid. I chose a "liquid" recipe that I could replicate at home. I created a mixture of water and rubbing alcohol and filled the gap. Of course, I tested the lava lamp on several occasions for a couple of hours at a time. It worked, and beautifully I might add. My lava lamp was full and perfect. Little did I know, it was also EVIL...

I turned the lava lamp on about 3:00 pm or 4:00 pm on a weekend day. At about midnight, I fell asleep on the couch, the lava lamp burbling just above me on a low bookshelf behind the couch. At about 1:00 am, I was awakened by a LOUD EXPLOSION and HOT, LIQUID MAGMA SEARING MY FLESH! The lava lamp had exploded, sending shards of glass everywhere and a stinky, red, waxy mess all over the bookshelf, the books, the couch, the floor and ME! In my "just-awoken-by-an-explosion" stupor, my first instinct was to turn off the lamp to prevent a fire. Instead of pulling the plug, I went for the switch...and was ELECTROCUTED! Looking back on it now, I realize that the lava lamp had it's own agenda: TO KILL ME! I pulled the plug after that and spent the next hour or so cleaning up the mess.

Moral of the story? There's a gap at the top of lava lamps for a reason: to allow for the expansion of the liquid/wax as it heats and to dissipate that heat. Also, when the manual says "Do not leave lamp on more than eight hours at a time," it means it. Today, I have a funny story to tell, but in the back of my mind, I will always count myself lucky...to be alive to tell it.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Conspiracy Corner: "Holy crap, look at his face!"

Chemical weapons or BAD SUSHI?!? You be the judge.

Buy this magazine!

It is witty, pretty and damn fun to read. And how is this for a mission statement:
And now, here is CHOW. We consider it the tolling bell of a food revolution. You'll see that our stories are more entertaining, our photos more realistic (and messier), our reporting deeper, our instructions clearer, and maybe most important, our subjects a lot more far-flung than what food magazine readers are used to seeing.
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Illegal to skip movie previews during DVD viewing?!?

This whole bill is a crock of $#1t but one particular part of it is stunning:
...under the proposed language, viewers would not be allowed to use software or devices to skip commercials or promotional announcements "that would otherwise be performed or displayed before, during or after the performance of the motion picture," like the previews on a DVD.
How would that even be enforced? Criminies. What next, make it mandatory to consume popcorn, soda and raisinettes during a movie? Oh wait...

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Dolphins are our friends. Eeeeeeet. Eeeeennt.

I like stories like this. It's refreshing to hear good, "happy ending" stories these days. I wonder if the dolphins would have done the same thing if the swimmers had been tuna fishermen..."Sorry guys, you're on your own...eeeeeennnnt"

Thursday, November 18, 2004

My boss gets more spam than your boss...

I will NEVER complain about getting too much spam again.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Screw you, vegan hippies!

Hardee's has introduced the Monster Thickburger. Besides having the coolest name ever for a burger, at 2/3 pound, 1400 calories and 107 grams of fat, it's a big "eff you" to the health conscious. Now I've had some big burgers in my life (a couple different one-pounders) from specialty burger joints, but never, in all my days, have I seen something like this from a fast food chain. No wonder the rest of the world hates us greedy Americans.

I'm just sad that there are no Hardee's restaurants in Washington State. Oh well. If you are fortunate enough to live near a Hardee's, here's a $1 off coupon for the Monster. Let me know how it goes. Personally, I'd rather equal the caloric intake of the Monster by drinking roughly 12 beers.

The Real Gilligan's Island is coming...

The more I read about this show, the more I like it. I wonder if they'll have a contest where the teams have to make a coconut phone? Tune in for the premiere on TBS on 30 November at 8:00 PM.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Virgin Mary has nothing better to do.

Judging by the $99 million bid online (as of posting), I'm guessing that some non-believers are toying with the poor, toothless lady that put this sandwich online. Hasn't she already suffered enough? Having the sandwich pulled once already by eBay? Enduring the numerous hoax postings that have appeared? I wonder how many "holy" grilled cheese sandwiches I've unwittingly eaten in my time here on earth? Mmm, grilled cheese...

UPDATE: Apparently GoldenPalace.com has purchased the sandwich for a mere $28,000. This is the same company that hires people to streak at major sporting events with their web address painted on - and then denies they had anything to do with it. It happened at the 2004 Olympics during the diving prelims.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Frozen treats for dogs?!? Preposterous!

Look what we found in the frozen dessert section at Thriftway. Ice cream treats for dogs. Or ARE they? I beg of you, read this review first!
Frosty Paws tastes pretty terrible, at first. It has a flavor like glue, or coagulated gravy, but colder. But then after a few seconds, it begins to melt and the taster is swept away by a nuanced but overpowering compulsion to barf like a sailor on shore leave.

To the credit of Associated Ice Cream, the ingredients on the side of the box do prominently ention "animal fat." And while it might be helpful to potential human tasters to print this on the box's cover, it's understandable that they bury the headline and stick with the happy Terrier.
Don't say I didn't warn you...

Friday, November 12, 2004

Little in the middle but she got much back.

No comment. Except that these things remind me of the "MOM Jeans" sketch on SNL. Posted by Hello

Monday, November 08, 2004

Liquid green bean casserole anyone?

There's nothing quite like Turkey and Gravy in liquid form. Plus, it's carb free! Thank the lord for Jones Soda.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Portrait of a George W. Bush Voter.

This is the type of person that re-elected Bush. It appears that more than half of the United States is as mentally challenged as he is. I hope they are happy with themselves. They have undoubtedly just screwed this country for four more years.

Monday, November 01, 2004

So THAT's what my cat does all day!

Sleep. Huh. Posted by Hello

Voting From Beyond the Grave!

Today is All Saints Day, the Day of the Dead. Apparently, the dead are trying to affect the outcome of the U.S. election. As long as they don't vote for W, I'm cool with it.

Conspiracy Corner: "I feel NO pain!"

Here is the frightening story of a young girl who is incapable of sensing pain of any kind. It's only a matter of time before the government finds a way to exploit this strange genetic disorder to create cloned super-soldiers who charge headlong into even the most brutal battle because they feel nothing. Or maybe not.